This is hard to explain.... bare with me.

There are many times in ones' life where you face a crossroads, a decision on how or who you want to be in the world.

For awhile now I've been the type of person that has tried to live looking at everyone's own perspective when it comes to life. More often than not, just to make sure that I understand where someone is coming from; whether I agree with them or not. I feel this is important to me as I have friends and family from different political and religious backgrounds. I may or may not agree with everyone (I rarely do), but understanding and accepting is what I strive to do.

There's one thing I've struggled with though (well... way more than one, but for the sake of this... you get the idea) is peoples' everyday complaints. It bothers me when people complain about things when there are tons of people that would love to have what the complainers have. They'd love to have those things, because they have it worse. I ranted on Facebook a few weeks ago about people bitching about the crappy weather. The complaining came on a morning after the tornado in Oklahoma hit the school and some poor bastard jumped in front of the light rail train in SoDo. I was livid to hear people complain about a few drizzles when parents were digging the bodies of their dead children from the school rubble. I was pissed to hear people complain that it was cold when someone had decided it was better to jump in front of a train than to go on. On top of that, a couple of my students were traumatized by seeing that man get hit by the train.

It's been really hard for me to see or hear people complain about the things in their life. Hearing people bitching about work, how their car broke down, if their team lost, they stubbed their toe, whatever it's been has been driving me crazy. The hardest thing though has been hearing people complain about their kids. Why? Christi has had two miscarriages in the past 6 months. The last one literally almost killed her two weeks ago (if you want details, you can always call/text/email me). It's made me so unbelievably angry, resentful, and bitter towards these people.

However...

I'm figuring out that it's hard for people to compare their life problems. The crappy weather might be the worst thing that's going on in a person's life at that moment. Therefore, it seems to them like the worst thing ever, because there's nothing for them to personally compare it to. The parents that were searching for their kids probably had a little more to be upset about, but the crappy weather person has no way of understanding how parent feels in that moment (unless they've gone through the exact same thing). I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm trying to change...

... but it's difficult.

I'm trying not to qualify (Eh, Shep?) all of our problems and hardships in life. I'm trying to know and understand that whatever issues someone is going though sucks. It sucks for them period.

I'm not assuming that anyone is actually reading this. However, if anything sounds familiar to you in the section about that you may have complained about, assume it probably was you that pissed me off and it is you I'm referring to. Understand though that while I wanted to take a shit on your pillow and/or kick your face in, I still love you. It's just very difficult to be your friend or family right now under these circumstances. Please forgive me for any sarcasm, smart ass comments, hurtful things I've said, or outright ignoring you. It's going to take some time to "heal" and change, but I'm working on it. I'm working on getting on that new path. It's running parallel to the path I'm on, and it's uphill right now, but I'm sure once I get to the top of that hill, it'll be easy to coast the rest of way.

My Ya Ya

Yesterday my family buried Phillip Lee, my grandpa, my "Ya Ya".

I've come to understand that death is a part of life. The news of Ya Ya's passing last week brought back a lot of the emotions I had when I lost my other grandpa. However, it was a bit different. My tears weren't so much for my loss. The tears were for my family. My thoughts of sadness and worry immediately went to my grandma, my aunts and uncle, but they mostly went to my cousins, sister and dad.

I've never experienced the loss of a parent. I hope to not feel that for a very long time. I couldn't begin to imagine the feeling of responsibility, loss, and pain that my dad has been going through. I could tell that he was hurting, but had to take care of all the business first. I hope in time he's able to explore those feelings fully, remember his father and start the healing process.

It's been around 20 years since the last time I lost a grandpa. It gets better, but that pain never completely goes away. I couldn't help but feel my cousins' pain through them, knowing that no words could express the sadness they were feeling. I've been there. I know what it's like.



To Jessica, Alissa, and Matt,

Your Ya Ya loved you so very much. The pain that you're feeling will get better in time. It will never ever go away, but you never want that feeling to go away, because that feeling is Ya Ya still living on in your hearts and your memories. It will get better, though. I promise you it will get better.



My relationship with Ya Ya was a bit different from my cousins. He was still a constant in my life. However, when I was young, he used to run many businesses to provide for his family. During the little free time that he had, I know he tried to spend time with me and and my sister. I fondly remember our weekly Sunday night dinners over at my grandparents house. Unfortunately, we grew up before he was able to really spend a lot of time with us (cats in the cradle and all that). I do know for a fact that he loved me. He was proud of me and the life I had. He was proud of his great-grandson.

Felix and his great-grandparents

Me and Ya Ya

 

I don't think we knew each other as well as we should have, but a story that my uncle recorded for the funeral service told me a little bit more about him and a connection we share.

We think back about some of the things that you and mom taught us:

Try your best, word hard, be caring, be a good father or mother, and above all be compassionate and a good person. I remember when I was younger and a man came into your store and asked from some food to feed his family. An employee wanted to tell him to leave, but you let the man explain his situation. He said that his family hadn't had much to eat, but he didn't have money to buy them food. you knew that he was sincere and not just a beggar. You asked the employee to pick out some fruits and vegetables and canned food. The employee gathered some fruit and vegetables that would soon need to be thrown out and the canned food were taken from the cart that was discounted in price because they were damaged. You quickly went over and selected some nice produce and canned food and took it to the man. The man said, "I appreciate it, but I can't take this. I don't want a hand out. Is there some work I can do around the store?" You eventually had the man sweep the floors inside and out, and when he was finished he thanked you and left. I remember going over to you and asking you why you had him sweep the floor when I just finished doing it. You said, "It was hard enough for this man to ask for help, but you don't want to make it worse by taking away his dignity."

 

 

 

This showed me that there is a little bit of Ya Ya in me. Maybe not directly, but through the lessons he taught my dad and then through the lessons my dad taught me. Everyday when I go to work and work hard for others that "don't want a hand out" I know that's Ya Ya coming out.



4 generations of Lees

Thank you, Ya Ya for all the lessons you've taught us, how you've provided for us, and all your love and support. You will be missed. I love you.